How many of you out there are on a Diet?
Have you gone nuts yet? I started the other day because I wanted to. Yes, I made the choice to diet. I am tired of looking at photos of myself as a person I do not recognize. I made a conscious decision years ago to never look at anything but my face as I washed up and blow dry my hair and since I do not wear make-up except for the occasional lip stick I rarely have to see the rest of me.
When I moved from the farm I thought I was porky [50 lbs ago] . I had heard that if one had full sized mirrors installed and looked at oneselfdaily after bathing, O'Natural, one would get a better grasp of body image. I brain washed myself to believe all the rhetoric about weight and poor self esteem and God only knows I do not have poor self-esteem. I have other issues ,but that is not one of them...well back to this woeful saga.
So, when I moved in I did a little fix up and in my bedroom I installed Mirrored closet doors. People look at me strangely when they first see my bedroom and I can see dit-dit-dit across their eye balls”,”this woman is a sex deviant ,of the worst kind, likes to look at her fat self having sex”... “YIKES!, she seems so normal.”.
Even so, I keep the mirrors and everyday for the last 7 years or 10 years I can't remember, I faithfully look at myself and record on my psyche what I look like. Well, for what its worth that philosophy is a crock of doo-doo. The reason I say that is because I faithfully recorded every morsel of fat that continued to ooze onto, first my backside and then only because of the laws of physics, I stared to balloon out everywhere else also . I watched the “fat lady” grow into mountains of adipose and said “yes,I accept my body image, no one else does, BUT I do”..
My family was a little kinder, but not much. I heard from my mom,” Oh my beautiful BABY,what have you done to yourself?” God, that griped my butt, still does when I think of it and it was the source of, “I'll show you beautiful BABY, watch this”, as I cram two plates of spaghetti in my face, down the throat into a stomach that was rebelling and wanting to throw every morsel up and out onto the plate......
My daughter bless her heart, has starved herself into food issues, as she did not want the same “thing” to happen to her and it was genetic ,she was sure of it. My brother,exercises ad naseum to forestall the same family disease, as he calls it. I alone know I have done this on purpose. When I figure out it is hurting my daughter and brother I tell them, No, NO, not a family disease, relax be normal, it is me that is a wacko, it is not the kind of disease you are thinking it is...it is dis-ease .
I even go to my friend the shrink, a pal, but I pay him to be honest, to keep me honest. I discover that which I already knew. I had done this deliberately and it was easy. If one is going to commit suicide,what better way than to do it with ones drug of choice. I love to cook and am a good cook, I love to eat my own cooking, I love to entertain my friends and loved ones around a GOOD table. I love a good drink, more than I should at times,[it has never been my demon], and I was not by nature fat, pudgy, plump, full figured, yada-yada. No, I have photos of myself well into my late 40's looking normal. No, It was not hormonal either.
Some where along the line I came up with two thoughts, that I slowly without really knowing what I was doing,made a self fulfilling prophesy.
It took several years to figure out I had a problem, and several more to acknowledge the problem, at least consciously, and then even when I knew what I was doing I could not stop. The behavior was so ingrained and so insidiously imprinted on my brain,[you know with the lets look and accept your TRUE self image] I could not stop, no mater how much my will power,want power , intelligent person that I am , tried to make it stop... Nope. One day I am walking down the main street and in the store windows of a hexagon type entrance and I saw the reflection of a fat lady walking down the street. I truly did not recognize it as me. I had to stop and back-up to identify that the clothes were the ones I had on. It was me.
I then started reexamining the image in my bedroom mirrors to the image I had seared on my brain with the windows. I am appalled. Crap,if I wanted to off myself could I not have picked a more pleasant way to do it, than to “NOT have a good looking corpse”....Well, the food was addicting and yummy and furry-warmy and made all the pain go away, did it not? Better that a fix of Heroin,and cheaper, I did not have to go skulking around in evil places to get it, was socially acceptable, it was even a bonfied Disability....
So Ok, I identify Pain as a culprit and it was a double- banger, first I developed a truly genuine inherited disease, Osteoarthritis-Arthritis ,then Firbromyalgia. All runs in the rheumatoid family. As long as I had the farm , worked a day job also,then came home and jumped on a tractor and brush-hogged until dusk,fed the stock and then got ready for the next day..I kept the demon at Bay...I gained a little bit, but here comes the Zinger...I finally said enough is enough, I do not want to be ...what is a kind way of saying this...pursued by men. Do not misread this that I am a Lesbian, I am not. I had finally recognized I was unable to love even the best of them and could get up and feisty with the worst of them, get the shot gun and run his arse off the place if you get mouthy with me,who do you think you are ? I was a mess. So Now I figure out in the convoluted maze I got going, a real “truism”...you can be 9 or 90, crippled or crazy, but never be FAT if you want attention from the opposite sex. Worked for me! Shit I already had the food/heroin habit going on for the physical pain, why not eat a little more and get right with myself. Holy shit I found the answer to all my problems and could eat without remorse.
But, I still had to look at myself every am and I knew in the back of my sorry brain this was wrong,oh so wrong, on every level I could think of I could not rationally accept what I was doing. I knew I had to stop and make a big change in my life. I always needed to be straight with myself first and foremost. That's when I got the photos out and started to rethink this sorry mess. I realized I had to do this for myself. I even let my daughter take a photo of me at Christmas,this had been a NO,NO for a long time. Then I posted this dam thing on the web. Now I write this post . If I fail it will not be for the lack of trying. I even ordered up Medi-fast for a month. The worst,God awful tasting stuff a person could put in their mouth. I mean BAD..I hope you read this Medi-fast and change something cause you lost me and I have to gag it down for a month because I paid $289.00 for it and I cannot throw out $289.00..dam-straight,worst tasting stuff you ever put in your mouth and called nutrition.
So with this written I will write from time to time to keep myself honest and update any who might be interested....especially if you are trying to diet yourself...I'll tell you what though, the Insurance companies will pay and put you in treatment for Heroin, but this is worse than heroin could ever be and there is no treatment. Food addiction is a self serving,weak willed, character flaw...Ask the guy who I saw recently with a bumper sticker that said,”harpoon a FAT CHICK,save a whale”. On that note I bid you success in whatever your next endeavor might be.